And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
