Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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