Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
