my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
