I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
