Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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