Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
