why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
