So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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