I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You are a genius and a whore.
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