I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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