You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
