I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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