Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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