I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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