the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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