Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
