I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
