she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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