Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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