I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
