the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
