The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
