before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
