Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
