soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
