im having a threesome with these popsicles
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
