I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
