i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
