I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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