If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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