I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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