It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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