this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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