I cannot find my penis.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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