shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
