i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
