Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
