I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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