I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
