Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
