So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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