This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My dick has a subreddit
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
