how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
