every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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