is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ok first of all what the fuck
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