mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize