Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
