dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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