Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
