How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
