Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
