last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
