I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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