i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
