I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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