No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
