Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
