between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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