I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
