No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
