before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
