Me. At least after what I've been through.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
