you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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