I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
