Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
